Breaking Spankings? August 23, 2006
Posted by Chelle in My Thoughts.1 comment so far
Are breaking spankings good or bad? I feel that if there is a need for a breaking spanking and both are in agreement then there is nothing wrong with it. If there is one person against it then that can get pretty darn complicated and even result in hurt feelings, feelings of rejection ect. I have the need for a breaking spanking, although my Dom feels that I don’t need it ….but I feel I do….now who is right? who is wrong? He doesn’t understand why I need it but really it’s me that has to understand, not him. Breaking spankings can be theraputic in alot of ways …it breaks down barriers/walls …let’s the person release anger, stress, sadness, guilt ect….it is something that is very personal and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. I don’t see breaking spankings as a negative …but more as a positive if it helps the person who has asked for it. And if your Dom truly loves you and truly wants to help you then I feel he would agree to it ….if he is totally against it then you have to really evaulate his love for you, at least that is my opinion on the matter!
The Need To Feel Desired August 22, 2006
Posted by Chelle in My Thoughts.add a comment
It seems as though I have this need to feel desired. If you know someone truly loves you, does it not matter if they desire you? Or does it matter? Does there have to be physical attraction in order to love someone? If there is no physical attraction then how can one desire you? It’s all confusing but the one thing that I do know is it hurts when you know that you are not physically attractive enough for the one that you love with all of your heart and soul…and that alone can kill a person inside 
Feeling Frustrated and Angry August 16, 2006
Posted by Chelle in My Thoughts.add a comment
I am not feeling so hot tonite. I had a miserable day, and nite …couldn’t sleep last nite …all I do is cry anymore. Crying is my release in order to feel better and I usually do until I feel the need to cry again that is. Last nite talking on the phone with “B” was a little better than it has been lately but I know he isn’t telling me things or I guess I should say I have that feeling.
I was supposed to go to Galveston this weekend with some friends but I decided not to because they are going to some private spanking party and frankly I don’t want to be around spankers…spanking …or anything that has to do with spanking ….it’s just to hard to even think about spanking and D/s at this point in my life. I don’t even feel submissive anymore ….I hate it I think that D/s and spanking as I know it is gone forever from my life and it’s sad to think about….I end up in tears everytime I think about it
It’s been five months and no spanking, no D/s …and not seeing “B” …all of that combined along with the other stressors in my life and people wonder why I am always crying…..well hell I don’t think life can get any worse and if it can then shoot me now is how I feel! If I can’t have D/s,spanking and “B” in my life then there is no life as far as I am concerned and that is how I feel about it. I just want to be happy for once….if I can achieve that in this lifetime then I can say all this was worth it!
Sad August 14, 2006
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I am feeling pretty down today….it’s been a very stressful day and I am just fed up with feeling this way. I try to shake it off and I am ok for awhile but then I am right back to square one. I miss “B” alot and it’s like I can’t hardly stand it and it’s getting very hard to deal with. I cry myself to sleep almost every nite in order to just deal with it all.
I am so tired of making decisions ….so tired of no D/s and spanking …it’s been five months since I have seen “B” …and it’s just all getting harder and harder to deal with as time goes on. I try to keep positive thoughts but that is hard to do as well. Right now it just seems like nothing is going right. I am just not happy
Changes In My Life August 6, 2006
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The changes in my life are starting to haunt me some, I guess it’s because I am afraid of change and maybe that is why I stayed in such an abusive marriage for so long. I am glad to be out from under that man and the abuse but I am feeling somewhat insecure about what is going to happen next.
This wonderful man that God has brought into my life now is a blessing and I am thankful for him….everyday I thank God for the blessings in my life but I also am glad to have gone through the hell because I think it has made me a little stronger and eventually when I am at full healing it will have a great impact on my life and I will be alot stronger for it I believe.
Moving was stressful so I am glad that is over with ….at first I was upset to be losing the home I had known for the past five years but I think it’s better than I am out of there. Living back with my parents has it challenges though but overall I think everything is going to be ok once I get my life back on track. I know once I am with my sweetie then I will be ok and everything will be ok and I will be happy once again.
Life is funny …Life and it’s changes are sometimes challenging and very overwhelming but I believe in the end I will be happy again and I will be ok!
The Need July 29, 2006
Posted by Chelle in Writings and Poetry.1 comment so far
My heart is racing, palms sweaty as our visit comes to that dreaded time to punish me for my misdeeds. I know I need this but the question is do you know I need this? Or are you just doing it to please me? I look into your eyes and try to read them as best as I can …those loving blue eyes that always look back at me in love.
I struggle with guilt…I feel guilty for breaking rules that you have set for me, guilty for making you take the position to punish me, guilty for pressuring you and guilty for pushing you to the edge. You want me to be honest yet I feel your not being completley honest with me!
I am ashamed…ashamed that I need this …ashamed that I need to feel punished…ashamed that I have forced your hand by acting like such a brat. It’s time for you to spank me but yet I feel as if you don’t want to do this…you don’t have to say a word because it shows in your actions.
I stand in the corner awaiting on the dreaded punishment. You tell me to think about what I have done and you are going to have me choose from all the misdeeds from the past three months. I stand there trembling…my body is full of nerves and my thoughts are going in all directions. I can feel the tears that want to come but I stop them…I can’t appear weak in front of you and tears are a sign of weakness. It takes all that I have to stop from crying right there while standing in the corner. It seems like I am standing there forever…hands to my sides…legs shaky…hands fidgety and butterflies swimming in my stomach.
You finally ask what I have chosen…I choose lying…the guilt that has built up for weeks because of some awful lies I have told you…I need them to be resolved so I can get rid of the guilt and I feel that you have forgiven me. To me things have not been the same between us since I confessed the awful lies some ten weeks before …I feel as though you have not forgiven me, and worse I feel as though things have changed between us.
You order me to take my pants and panties off and lay face down on the bed. I get real nervous at this point but I obey without hesitation…I know I deserve whatever you hand out…I know you don’t tolerate lying and I know I was wrong and I know I will feel much better once I have been punished and forgiven.Naked from the waist down, lying face down on the bed make me feel vulnerable and I hate feeling vulnerable…things are out of my control and if I was not aware of that before I am aware of it now.
You start spanking me…I am not aware of what implements you are using…it stings though. But it’s not the sting that is on my mind…it’s what you think of me that is more on my mind. I know that your not physically attracted to me so what are your thoughts of me in this state? Tears start stinging my eyes…I can’t hold them back any longer…the humiliation alone is enough to make me cry rivers.
The spanking ends…you ask me to stand back in the corner, arms out…it’s over…I turn around and you hug me and all is well with the world because I feel you have forgiven me and that is what is important to me. The need was met …and that is the need of feeling accepted and loved by you!
