Breaking Spankings? August 23, 2006
Posted by Chelle in My Thoughts.1 comment so far
Are breaking spankings good or bad? I feel that if there is a need for a breaking spanking and both are in agreement then there is nothing wrong with it. If there is one person against it then that can get pretty darn complicated and even result in hurt feelings, feelings of rejection ect. I have the need for a breaking spanking, although my Dom feels that I don’t need it ….but I feel I do….now who is right? who is wrong? He doesn’t understand why I need it but really it’s me that has to understand, not him. Breaking spankings can be theraputic in alot of ways …it breaks down barriers/walls …let’s the person release anger, stress, sadness, guilt ect….it is something that is very personal and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. I don’t see breaking spankings as a negative …but more as a positive if it helps the person who has asked for it. And if your Dom truly loves you and truly wants to help you then I feel he would agree to it ….if he is totally against it then you have to really evaulate his love for you, at least that is my opinion on the matter!
The Need To Feel Desired August 22, 2006
Posted by Chelle in My Thoughts.add a comment
It seems as though I have this need to feel desired. If you know someone truly loves you, does it not matter if they desire you? Or does it matter? Does there have to be physical attraction in order to love someone? If there is no physical attraction then how can one desire you? It’s all confusing but the one thing that I do know is it hurts when you know that you are not physically attractive enough for the one that you love with all of your heart and soul…and that alone can kill a person inside 
Finally Got Spanked August 18, 2006
Posted by Chelle in R/L accounts of my spankings.add a comment
I finally got spanked although I would have rather been spanked by “B” but I guess some play is better than no play. I am pretty sore as I sit here and write this but it’s something I have missed therefore I am in a pretty happy state right now. I have some pretty heavy welts and bruising but I think that’s because it has been five and a half months since I have been spanked ….and I mark easy regardless. Something about getting spanked makes me feel better ….not sure what it is but it’s like the whole weight of the world dropped off my shoulders and I feel at peace and less stress too. And the friend that spanked me did a very good job …this weekend we are getting togather for some more spanking play ….that should hold me over until I move to Ohio to be with “B”. It took me over a week to actually finally give in to being spanked by my friend ….I guess I just like to be loyal to “B” ….and I was trying to wait until we see each other again but I was so stressed out …and missing it so much that I finally gave in …he knows that her and I get togather for spanking play and he is ok with it but I prefer him to be the one spanking me!
He has a very hard time spanking me the way my friend spanked me earlier tonite. He would never put bruises on me the way she did ….it’s like he is afraid or something, not sure why because I haven’t figured him out that far yet. I think alot of it is because of the abuse I endured with my soon to be ex husband and he knows about alot of that and it bothers him. Not that I need to have bruises after a spanking but I would like to cry …and he has yet to get me to that point of flowing tears ….he has spanked me almost to tears but I am not quite there yet with him and that is where I want to be at in our spanking relationship. All I want from him is to not be treated special when it comes to spanking ….and so far in the sessions we have had he has treated me special ….I don’t like that….I can’t even feel his authority over me when he does that. I know he spanks others alot harder than he has spanked me ….so we will see how it goes when we see each other again although I have my doubts about it all.
Feeling Frustrated and Angry August 16, 2006
Posted by Chelle in My Thoughts.add a comment
I am not feeling so hot tonite. I had a miserable day, and nite …couldn’t sleep last nite …all I do is cry anymore. Crying is my release in order to feel better and I usually do until I feel the need to cry again that is. Last nite talking on the phone with “B” was a little better than it has been lately but I know he isn’t telling me things or I guess I should say I have that feeling.
I was supposed to go to Galveston this weekend with some friends but I decided not to because they are going to some private spanking party and frankly I don’t want to be around spankers…spanking …or anything that has to do with spanking ….it’s just to hard to even think about spanking and D/s at this point in my life. I don’t even feel submissive anymore ….I hate it I think that D/s and spanking as I know it is gone forever from my life and it’s sad to think about….I end up in tears everytime I think about it
It’s been five months and no spanking, no D/s …and not seeing “B” …all of that combined along with the other stressors in my life and people wonder why I am always crying…..well hell I don’t think life can get any worse and if it can then shoot me now is how I feel! If I can’t have D/s,spanking and “B” in my life then there is no life as far as I am concerned and that is how I feel about it. I just want to be happy for once….if I can achieve that in this lifetime then I can say all this was worth it!
Sad August 14, 2006
Posted by Chelle in My Thoughts.add a comment
I am feeling pretty down today….it’s been a very stressful day and I am just fed up with feeling this way. I try to shake it off and I am ok for awhile but then I am right back to square one. I miss “B” alot and it’s like I can’t hardly stand it and it’s getting very hard to deal with. I cry myself to sleep almost every nite in order to just deal with it all.
I am so tired of making decisions ….so tired of no D/s and spanking …it’s been five months since I have seen “B” …and it’s just all getting harder and harder to deal with as time goes on. I try to keep positive thoughts but that is hard to do as well. Right now it just seems like nothing is going right. I am just not happy
Changes In My Life August 6, 2006
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The changes in my life are starting to haunt me some, I guess it’s because I am afraid of change and maybe that is why I stayed in such an abusive marriage for so long. I am glad to be out from under that man and the abuse but I am feeling somewhat insecure about what is going to happen next.
This wonderful man that God has brought into my life now is a blessing and I am thankful for him….everyday I thank God for the blessings in my life but I also am glad to have gone through the hell because I think it has made me a little stronger and eventually when I am at full healing it will have a great impact on my life and I will be alot stronger for it I believe.
Moving was stressful so I am glad that is over with ….at first I was upset to be losing the home I had known for the past five years but I think it’s better than I am out of there. Living back with my parents has it challenges though but overall I think everything is going to be ok once I get my life back on track. I know once I am with my sweetie then I will be ok and everything will be ok and I will be happy once again.
Life is funny …Life and it’s changes are sometimes challenging and very overwhelming but I believe in the end I will be happy again and I will be ok!
