Breaking Spankings? August 23, 2006
Posted by Chelle in My Thoughts.1 comment so far
Are breaking spankings good or bad? I feel that if there is a need for a breaking spanking and both are in agreement then there is nothing wrong with it. If there is one person against it then that can get pretty darn complicated and even result in hurt feelings, feelings of rejection ect. I have the need for a breaking spanking, although my Dom feels that I don’t need it ….but I feel I do….now who is right? who is wrong? He doesn’t understand why I need it but really it’s me that has to understand, not him. Breaking spankings can be theraputic in alot of ways …it breaks down barriers/walls …let’s the person release anger, stress, sadness, guilt ect….it is something that is very personal and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. I don’t see breaking spankings as a negative …but more as a positive if it helps the person who has asked for it. And if your Dom truly loves you and truly wants to help you then I feel he would agree to it ….if he is totally against it then you have to really evaulate his love for you, at least that is my opinion on the matter!
The Need To Feel Desired August 22, 2006
Posted by Chelle in My Thoughts.add a comment
It seems as though I have this need to feel desired. If you know someone truly loves you, does it not matter if they desire you? Or does it matter? Does there have to be physical attraction in order to love someone? If there is no physical attraction then how can one desire you? It’s all confusing but the one thing that I do know is it hurts when you know that you are not physically attractive enough for the one that you love with all of your heart and soul…and that alone can kill a person inside 
Finally Got Spanked August 18, 2006
Posted by Chelle in R/L accounts of my spankings.add a comment
I finally got spanked although I would have rather been spanked by “B” but I guess some play is better than no play. I am pretty sore as I sit here and write this but it’s something I have missed therefore I am in a pretty happy state right now. I have some pretty heavy welts and bruising but I think that’s because it has been five and a half months since I have been spanked ….and I mark easy regardless. Something about getting spanked makes me feel better ….not sure what it is but it’s like the whole weight of the world dropped off my shoulders and I feel at peace and less stress too. And the friend that spanked me did a very good job …this weekend we are getting togather for some more spanking play ….that should hold me over until I move to Ohio to be with “B”. It took me over a week to actually finally give in to being spanked by my friend ….I guess I just like to be loyal to “B” ….and I was trying to wait until we see each other again but I was so stressed out …and missing it so much that I finally gave in …he knows that her and I get togather for spanking play and he is ok with it but I prefer him to be the one spanking me!
He has a very hard time spanking me the way my friend spanked me earlier tonite. He would never put bruises on me the way she did ….it’s like he is afraid or something, not sure why because I haven’t figured him out that far yet. I think alot of it is because of the abuse I endured with my soon to be ex husband and he knows about alot of that and it bothers him. Not that I need to have bruises after a spanking but I would like to cry …and he has yet to get me to that point of flowing tears ….he has spanked me almost to tears but I am not quite there yet with him and that is where I want to be at in our spanking relationship. All I want from him is to not be treated special when it comes to spanking ….and so far in the sessions we have had he has treated me special ….I don’t like that….I can’t even feel his authority over me when he does that. I know he spanks others alot harder than he has spanked me ….so we will see how it goes when we see each other again although I have my doubts about it all.
Feeling Frustrated and Angry August 16, 2006
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I am not feeling so hot tonite. I had a miserable day, and nite …couldn’t sleep last nite …all I do is cry anymore. Crying is my release in order to feel better and I usually do until I feel the need to cry again that is. Last nite talking on the phone with “B” was a little better than it has been lately but I know he isn’t telling me things or I guess I should say I have that feeling.
I was supposed to go to Galveston this weekend with some friends but I decided not to because they are going to some private spanking party and frankly I don’t want to be around spankers…spanking …or anything that has to do with spanking ….it’s just to hard to even think about spanking and D/s at this point in my life. I don’t even feel submissive anymore ….I hate it I think that D/s and spanking as I know it is gone forever from my life and it’s sad to think about….I end up in tears everytime I think about it
It’s been five months and no spanking, no D/s …and not seeing “B” …all of that combined along with the other stressors in my life and people wonder why I am always crying…..well hell I don’t think life can get any worse and if it can then shoot me now is how I feel! If I can’t have D/s,spanking and “B” in my life then there is no life as far as I am concerned and that is how I feel about it. I just want to be happy for once….if I can achieve that in this lifetime then I can say all this was worth it!
Sad August 14, 2006
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I am feeling pretty down today….it’s been a very stressful day and I am just fed up with feeling this way. I try to shake it off and I am ok for awhile but then I am right back to square one. I miss “B” alot and it’s like I can’t hardly stand it and it’s getting very hard to deal with. I cry myself to sleep almost every nite in order to just deal with it all.
I am so tired of making decisions ….so tired of no D/s and spanking …it’s been five months since I have seen “B” …and it’s just all getting harder and harder to deal with as time goes on. I try to keep positive thoughts but that is hard to do as well. Right now it just seems like nothing is going right. I am just not happy
Changes In My Life August 6, 2006
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The changes in my life are starting to haunt me some, I guess it’s because I am afraid of change and maybe that is why I stayed in such an abusive marriage for so long. I am glad to be out from under that man and the abuse but I am feeling somewhat insecure about what is going to happen next.
This wonderful man that God has brought into my life now is a blessing and I am thankful for him….everyday I thank God for the blessings in my life but I also am glad to have gone through the hell because I think it has made me a little stronger and eventually when I am at full healing it will have a great impact on my life and I will be alot stronger for it I believe.
Moving was stressful so I am glad that is over with ….at first I was upset to be losing the home I had known for the past five years but I think it’s better than I am out of there. Living back with my parents has it challenges though but overall I think everything is going to be ok once I get my life back on track. I know once I am with my sweetie then I will be ok and everything will be ok and I will be happy once again.
Life is funny …Life and it’s changes are sometimes challenging and very overwhelming but I believe in the end I will be happy again and I will be ok!
The Need July 29, 2006
Posted by Chelle in Uncategorized, Writings and Poetry.1 comment so far
My heart is racing, palms sweaty as our visit comes to that dreaded time to punish me for my misdeeds. I know I need this but the question is do you know I need this? Or are you just doing it to please me? I look into your eyes and try to read them as best as I can …those loving blue eyes that always look back at me in love.
I struggle with guilt…I feel guilty for breaking rules that you have set for me, guilty for making you take the position to punish me, guilty for pressuring you and guilty for pushing you to the edge. You want me to be honest yet I feel your not being completley honest with me!
I am ashamed…ashamed that I need this …ashamed that I need to feel punished…ashamed that I have forced your hand by acting like such a brat. It’s time for you to spank me but yet I feel as if you don’t want to do this…you don’t have to say a word because it shows in your actions.
I stand in the corner awaiting on the dreaded punishment. You tell me to think about what I have done and you are going to have me choose from all the misdeeds from the past three months. I stand there trembling…my body is full of nerves and my thoughts are going in all directions. I can feel the tears that want to come but I stop them…I can’t appear weak in front of you and tears are a sign of weakness. It takes all that I have to stop from crying right there while standing in the corner. It seems like I am standing there forever…hands to my sides…legs shaky…hands fidgety and butterflies swimming in my stomach.
You finally ask what I have chosen…I choose lying…the guilt that has built up for weeks because of some awful lies I have told you…I need them to be resolved so I can get rid of the guilt and I feel that you have forgiven me. To me things have not been the same between us since I confessed the awful lies some ten weeks before …I feel as though you have not forgiven me, and worse I feel as though things have changed between us.
You order me to take my pants and panties off and lay face down on the bed. I get real nervous at this point but I obey without hesitation…I know I deserve whatever you hand out…I know you don’t tolerate lying and I know I was wrong and I know I will feel much better once I have been punished and forgiven.Naked from the waist down, lying face down on the bed make me feel vulnerable and I hate feeling vulnerable…things are out of my control and if I was not aware of that before I am aware of it now.
You start spanking me…I am not aware of what implements you are using…it stings though. But it’s not the sting that is on my mind…it’s what you think of me that is more on my mind. I know that your not physically attracted to me so what are your thoughts of me in this state? Tears start stinging my eyes…I can’t hold them back any longer…the humiliation alone is enough to make me cry rivers.
The spanking ends…you ask me to stand back in the corner, arms out…it’s over…I turn around and you hug me and all is well with the world because I feel you have forgiven me and that is what is important to me. The need was met …and that is the need of feeling accepted and loved by you!
Our First Meeting and My First Spanking 03/05/2005 April 13, 2006
Posted by Chelle in R/L accounts of my spankings.1 comment so far
The first spanking I recieved from "WK" was the first time we met in March of 2005. Now we had talked for almost six years online before we even met so when we first met it was like we had already known each other for years, and essentially we did know each other quite well from our chats online everyday for six years. After six years of chats we both decided it was time for us to meet and although I was quite nervous I wanted to meet this man who I had essentially fallen in love with online. Yes it's possible to fall in love online without ever meeting the person although before this happened to me I was a very skeptical person about that very thing, but it happened to me. So he made arrangments to fly to Texas for our first meeting and it was exciting but nerve wracking for me as well. But when he walked into my apartment and our eyes met that was it …the pivitol moment that I knew I loved him. We had a great time togather and we had the same connection that we had online so we both knew that our feelings were for real. At the time the only thing that I worried about was our age difference but it worried "WK" more than it did me, I have never seen age as a factor and in my past I had always been with older Doms who were at least ten years older than me but "WK" was 26 years older than me ….but once I met him his age didn't matter to me anymore! I love him and he loves me and that is the important factor.
Then came the time for my first spanking from him and I was very nervous and a little apprehensive too. Because of my past D/s relationship that turned into severe abuse for many years I was afraid to trust but I also knew in my heart that I was safe with "WK" because I just felt it with him. It's very hard to describe because most people would think that I would have a hard time with trusting any Dom after the abuse I went through with my ex, but trusting him came nautral to me and I think it's because of the way he presented himself to me and the way he takes things slowly in our relationship. This first spanking was for some rules I had clearly broken and honestly I was testing him a whole lot to see if he was going to pass my test. I am the type of "brat" that will test to see if the Dom is serious about punishing me. The first spanking was disappointing and it is due to several reasons, "WK" is aware of all the abuse I had endured in my past relationship and I think that he went easy on me due to that reason , and because I have some scarring from the past abuse and that bothered him with the first spanking, and also because it was the first time we met and he didn't want to push his luck and be to hard on me.
Now at the time of this first spanking, and when things didn't turn out like I expected I was very disappointed but I didn't say anything to him because I didn't want to make him feel bad. After he left for back home, I cried for three days because I just felt that I was the reason why the spanking didn't go well. I stared to over analyze things about the whole thing and started to blame my weight problem, my age, and my past circumstances with the way it went. Of course I didn't let him know how I was feeling because I am the type who withdraws her feelings and keeps things inside instead of wanting to talk things out and that is because that was how I was conditioned in my first relationship , I was not allowed to talk about my feelings with my first Dom and I was expected to keep them to myself so that is how I handled it with "WK".
Welcome To My Blog April 12, 2006
Posted by Chelle in Uncategorized.add a comment
I am hoping to come here to be able to express myself, give my opinons and point of view about certain things that are going on in our world. I also will ocassionally open myself up to talk about myself, my beliefs, and the lifestyle that I lead.
